The Little Things

I dream of Mom sometimes. At times it’s not her. It’s somebody who looks like her. It’s not her and it disturbs me… Why did she have to leave me? Why did she have to die? I miss her. I miss her a lot. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if she was alive. They say time heals all… I wonder how much time it will take for me.

It was the little things that I remember the most about my Mom. Like how to tie a knot that will never ever come undone no matter how hard you try to untie it. She taught me that. Once she even showed me how to use a washing machine at home. Or how to get rid of a used sanitary napkin the right way. How to make the right kind of friends. She even gave me text messaging tips for my very first mobile phone in college.

It was these little things and many others that were a constant reminder of whom I was missing. My beautiful, courageous, high-spirited and loving Mother. She was a person I could talk to, scream at, fight with, crack a joke and also share my accomplishments. She also guided me on how to present myself in front of others and always stand up for myself no matter the consequences. She helped me with my first singing competition in school. I won that competition and I will never forget that.

Other times she and I used to sing songs to each other when we came back home; she from work and me from school. It was nice spending those lovely moments. She always encouraged me to show my talents to the world. Be it singing, dancing, doodling, painting, or writing poetry.

I loved the way she used to cut my hair, so lovingly. She was good at cutting other peoples’ hair. Surprisingly I am also quite adept at cutting other peoples’ hair too. Maybe I got that from her. Most importantly, I miss getting her advice even at times when I didn’t want it. She always had something to say about thing. She was never afraid to voice out her opinions even if they were wrong. Even when we didn’t feel like getting a lecture from her, she still went ahead and gave it. Because deep down she knew and well, deep down we knew as well that she was doing that to protect us.

So I really miss her for her advice-giving skills. She would have helped me sort out office problems, relationship problems and how to cope with difficult people. She gave a certain direction to my life. Gosh I miss that terribly. I guess she was such a powerful figure in my life that now I feel totally lost without her.

Throughout her life she always did what she wanted to do, no matter the obstacles she faced. What a brave woman. She was brave and right till the end too. I am not brave, I am far from brave, and I mean that’s what I think of myself. I don’t think that I’m a coward but I’m very cautious. Sometimes a little too cautious.

Sometimes I feel because of my Mother’s death that I have been emotionally scarred for life… hopefully not forever because that would suck. Mimi, sweet Mimi, that’s the pet name I gave for my Mom. She liked it too. At times she would push us to do things or say things we didn’t want to, knowing it was for our own good. It reminded me of a mother duck pushing her ducklings into the wide open lake.

Don’t we take our parents for granted sometimes? We never really think about them much except if we want something from them or for them to help us out of trouble. I know I did. I unconsciously took her for granted. Never really realized it until now. There were so many things left to do and so many things still left to say to her. I can’t do that now. I found out the value of her parenting and how badly I miss it. I was naïve to think that she would be around long enough for me to be a mother. But I guess that may never happen.

However I have to cajole myself into thinking that she will always be with me, watching over me. Like some guardian angel. Never really expected her to go. She left us just like that. It came as an unpleasant shock too. Over the years, my faith in God and my family, as well as my love for writing has helped me heal in so many ways. For that I am truly grateful.

I have become somewhat used to her absence now. At times I don’t even realize that I come from a single parent family. My Dad is a bit like my Mom in some ways-protective and caring. I get to see him a little more each day and I think I know him a bit better now.

I go through each day in the hope that tomorrow will be a bit easier than it is today. I love my Mimi very much and that I will never stop loving her. The only thing that keeps me going is that although she may have moved on, she’s still watching over us all. I love you Mom.